Thursday, November 11, 2010

26.5 Weirdest Movies I've Ever Watched

I was corrupted by weird cinema at a very young age, thanks to mom & pop video stores within bicycling distance to my house (RIP Video America and Magic Video), their non-carding Randall like clerks, and their 5 movies for $5 deals. Most of the movies on this list I haven't seen in years, and some are pretty new. Thanks to kind people uploading full length features onto Youtube, a whole new generation of kids can be warped and damaged by these movies. (Not all of the movies on this list are on YouTube but about 80% are on there.) All aboard! The train of my thoughts... 

26.5 Runaway (2010) Director Kanye West

This only gets a .5 because it's a short film. In an earlier blog post I compared Kanye's efforts to Stanley Kubrick and Lars Von Trier. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Plot: A man falls in love with a bird lady who has fallen to earth.
What it's really about: Kanye's ego.
Notable Quote: "Your date is beautiful. Do you know she's a bird?"
                          "No. I hadn't noticed."
Most WTF Moment: The dinner party scene.

26. Rawhead Rex (1986) Director George Pavlou, Writer Clive Barker

Plot: Ireland will never be the same after Rawhead Rex, a particularly nasty demon, is released from his underground prison by an unwitting farmer.
What it's really about:  How the sins of your past catch up to you.
Notable Quote: "He was here before Christ, before civilisation. He was king here!"
                           "Rawhead, that's what they called him! RAWHEAD!"
Most WTF Moment: Little boy in the car scene.

25. Jacob's Ladder (1990) Director Adriane Lyne, Writer Bruce Joel Rubin

Plot: A traumatized Vietnam war veteran finds out that his post-war life isn't what he believes it to be when he's attacked by horned creatures in the subway and his dead son comes to visit him.
What it's really about:  Fear of the afterlife.
Notable quote: "According to this, you're already dead."
Most WTF Moment: Jezebels dance with a demon to "Lady Marmalade".

24. Silent Hill (2006) Director: Christophe Gans, Writer: Roger Avary

Plot: A woman goes in search for her daughter, within the confines of a strange, desolate town called Silent Hill. 
What it's really about:  Different concepts of hell.
Notable Quote: "What the fuck? What the fuck? You saw that right? That was real? What the fuck is going on?"
Most WTF Moment: The Nurses.

23. The Brother from Another Planet (1986) Written & directed by John Sayles

Plot: A mute alien is chased by outer-space bounty hunters through the streets of Harlem in this thought-provoking cult classic.
What it's really about:  Immigration
Notable Quote: "Funny-lookin' motherfucker, but he can shoot, can't he?"
Most WTF Moment: when they reveal his feet.

22. Donnie Darko (2001) Written & Directed by Richard Kelly

Plot: A troubled teenager is plagued by visions of a large bunny rabbit that manipulates him to commit a series of crimes, after narrowly escaping a bizarre accident.
What it's really about:  Premonitions and Judgement Day
Notable Quote: [shouts] "First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have... reproductive organs under those little, white pants. It's just so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. You know, what's the point of living... if you don't have a dick?"
Most WTF Moment: The end of the movie 

21. El laberinto del fauno AKA Pan's Labyrinth (2006) Written & Directed by Guillermo del Toro

Plot: In the fascist Spain of 1944, the bookish young stepdaughter of a sadistic army officer escapes into an eerie but captivating fantasy world.
What it's really about:  Choosing to do what is right, even when what is wrong seems to bear more rewards.
Notable Quotes: "Me? I've had so many names. Old names that only the wind and the trees can pronounce. I am the mountain, the forest and the earth. I am... I am a faun. Your most humble servant, Your Highness."
Most WTF moment: Vidal sewing his own face up. Yeah I know, there are fantasy creatures and the monster at the feast table, but I was prepared for that from the trailer. 

20. Freaks (1932) Directer Todd Browning, Writer: Clarence Aaron 'Tod' Robbins 
The real Freaks Trailer is not embeddable, but here is a tribute trailer:

Plot: A circus' beautiful trapeze artist agrees to marry the leader of side-show performers, but his deformed friends discover she is only marrying him for his inheritance.
What it's really about:  Who is the real freak, the person with the deformed body or the one with the deformed mind?
Quotes: [chant] "Gooble gobble, gooble- gobble. We accept her! One of us!"
           [screams] "I'm not one of you! You...You FREAKS!"
Most WTF Moment: The Living Torso lighting and smoking a cigarette.

It gets weirder after the jump! (also NSFW: strong language)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Kanye West Runaway

I just watched Runaway on Youtube. Kanye blurs the lines between avant garde creative genius and bat shit crazy. Looks like he has been watching too many Lars Von Trier and Stanley Kubrick films, because many parts of this video look like Von Trier's Antichrist meets Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange. For some reason this mini movie reminds me of Tommy and Jesus Christ Superstar as well. I think that's a good thing.  I really liked the ballet part. It was really foul how they put that turkey in front of the bird woman. See what I did there? At the 28:22 mark it really started to test the limits of my ADHD, but I made it to the end. Directed by Kanye West, Written by Hype Williams, and costume design by Phillip Lim and Marten Izquierdo.

© 2010 H.B. Walker All Rights Reserved

Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Dead One

Welcome to my train of thought. All Aboard!
[Warning: Spoilers, because do you really question how this is going to end?]

Is that Fes from that 70’s show?
Look it’s what’s his name from Hatchet.  He looks and sounds like Shaggy.
What happened to Fes’ accent?
Is this a rip-off of the Crow? Asylum is that you?
[visits IMDb] Oh it’s from a comic book, OK.
Maria looks like she could be his mother.

Is Fes even Mexican? [Checks IMDb again] Oh, he was born in Miami but moved to Venezuela at 3 years old. He’s Colombian and Venezuelan. That does not = Mexican.
I guess by Hollywood standards, that’s respectful, considering how they’ve been screwing over Asians lately; Last Air Bender, Dragonball Z and now wanting Zack fucking Efron to play Akira. FTW?

It’s got to suck to find out you’ve been dead for a year.
I hate it when my make-up won’t wash off too.
The caretaker just figured out that he was talking to a dead guy. He did the whole Catholic cross hand gesture thing. A girl on my H.S. volleyball team used to do that each time before she served the ball.
I just realized that Fes = Diego and Shaggy dude from Hatchet = Zack (Isaac).
Fushigi commercial. Didn’t the Goblin King have 2 of those in Labyrinth? I want one, but not for $20! Forget that.

That fight scene was so 80’s.
His make-up is really inconsistent. One minute it’s super white the next it’s faded grey.
Yeah, so I can go my whole life without seeing Wilmer Valderrama in another movie.
They just had to do it; add the bad CGI. Really you couldn’t get a skeleton hand from the Halloween store and used dark lighting?!? Practical effects people! Look into it.
Aciphex commercial. Pronounced ass-effects.  “Ask your doctor about ass-effects”. Not bloody likely.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Oddities - Straight Jacket Edgar (Ep 1)

I stumbled upon a new gem! Discovery Channel has unleashed the new series called Oddities, which follows the owners of a shop filled with curiosities. This shop has sold items to the Mutter Museum and Ripley's Believe it or Not! I was in it to win it when they said that there is a market for partially mummified cats. No seriously one of the items they were deciding whether or not to purchase was a dead cat! Hoarders take note; you may be living on a virtual post-mortem feline goldmine.

Then there was Edgar. Edgar strolled into the shop and positively gushed over a straight jacket. His manner of speech is like Renfield if he were played by Vincent Price.  He needs his own reality show STAT! I would watch a show that consisted of Edgar simply running errands.

Some guy came into the shop and sold some gall stones in a jar, but that part was boring. The episode ends with the owner of the mummified cat haggling with the shop owners over the barter/sale of the two headed cow. They settled on the trade of the mummified cat plus $100 for the two headed cow. Both parties were extremely pleased, and this just one a season pass on my DVR. ^_^

© 2011 H.B. Walker All Rights Reserved

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Weird Things I Watch

WARNING: The following post may contain links to material that some may find weird, strange, odd, and possibly disturbing.

    I find the most random things to watch. It started out simple. I would go through the preview guide and stumble upon interesting shows like an odd rerun of Ripley's Believe It or Not or some surgery show on the Discovery Channel or TLC. Then cable upped the ante. Thanks to BBC America, I would find myself watching programs like Married to the Eiffel Tower about objectum-sexual individuals and of course the gift of weird that is Love Me, Love My Doll about men who have "synthetic" girlfriends.

In what I believe is an effort for Discovery Health to be more competitive (especially against TLC's ever increasing success with shows about little people and families who have a hundred children) they began airing programming like My Shocking Story: Tree Man. Then National Geographic threw their hat in the what's the strangest thing we can put on TV race with The girl with 8 limbs.

Then there was youtube. A site that can take you from watching an 80's pop music video, to watching people pop the Biggest Pimple in the World; which was actually a huge MRSA cyst on someone's back that they handled in a kitchen with no surgical gloves, even though it's contagious! Youtube is the holy grail of epic weirdness, and I love it.

Finally there are those courageous souls who make movies despite having no knowledge or talent for writing, directing, lighting, casting, basic CGI or originality. These movies usually air on Chiller or are "Scifi Channel Original" features. It's like they use a mad-libs book to create a storyline and script. 1. Choose a government agency. 2. Find a way an experiment can go wrong. 3. Pick two creatures. 4. Pick a branch of the military. 5. Put glasses on a actor and call them a scientist. Mix in a blender and you get Mansquito or Sharktopus! Lather. Rinse. Repeat. The thing is, the worse the movie the more I want to watch it!

So that's the type of thing I'll be writing about as well as some reality TV, and the odd homage to B-movies of the past. Enjoy!