The Dead One

Welcome to my train of thought. All Aboard!

[Warning: Spoilers, because do you really question how this is going to end?]

Is that Fes from that 70’s show?

Look it’s what’s his name from Hatchet.  He looks and sounds like Shaggy.

What happened to Fes’ accent?

Is this a rip-off of the Crow? Asylum is that you?

[visits IMDb] Oh it’s from a comic book, OK.

Maria looks like she could be his mother.

Is Fes even Mexican? [Checks IMDb again] Oh, he was born in Miami but moved to Venezuela at 3 years old. He’s Colombian and Venezuelan. That does not = Mexican.

I guess by Hollywood standards, that’s respectful, considering how they’ve been screwing over Asians lately; Last Air Bender, Dragonball Z and now wanting Zack fucking Efron to play Akira. FTW?

It’s got to suck to find out you’ve been dead for a year.

I hate it when my make-up won’t wash off too.

The caretaker just figured out that he was talking to a dead guy. He did the whole Catholic cross hand gesture thing. A girl on my H.S. volleyball team used to do that each time before she served the ball.

I just realized that Fes = Diego and Shaggy dude from Hatchet = Zack (Isaac).

Fushigi commercial. Didn’t the Goblin King have 2 of those in Labyrinth? I want one, but not for $20! Forget that.

That fight scene was so 80’s.

His make-up is really inconsistent. One minute it’s super white the next it’s faded grey.

Yeah, so I can go my whole life without seeing Wilmer Valderrama in another movie.

They just had to do it; add the bad CGI. Really you couldn’t get a skeleton hand from the Halloween store and used dark lighting?!? Practical effects people! Look into it.

Aciphex commercial. Pronounced ass-effects.  “Ask your doctor about ass-effects”. Not bloody likely.

Movie is back on and Diego is in confessional with jacked up make-up a skullcap and a sweatshirt on.

Is it that the Priest takes care of the cemetery or that the caretaker and the priest are played by the same actor?

It must be really cold in the church.

The heavy make-up is back.

Apparently you have no feeling in your nuts when you’re the walking dead.

Maria’s bangs are killing me.

Rosetta Stone commercial - I have wanted that for years, but they cost $500. I’ll have to see if someone is selling one on EBay or Amazon. Ohhh 5 payments of $39.95! I still think I can get it cheaper than that.

Oops, I checked out for like 10 minutes to look at Twitter and FB.

I think the actor playing the sheriff also played a sheriff in DeathProof.

I thought Billy Drago was supposed to be in this. It’s been on for an hour and no Drago.

It sure is rainy in Southern California. That’s were this is right? I just don’t care anymore.

Something happened that I ½ assed paid attention to, then Chiller commercials for a bunch of crap, none of which looks scary or chilling. What’s on Sci-Fi? Children of the Corn 2009. Remake?

There’s a pretty black actress in an old car by a cornfield, she’s with a flannel shirt shotgun carrying white actor. They drive on and some children of the corn walk onto the road behind them.

The commercials start so I turn back to Chiller. Commercials are on there too. Damn it! I’m trying to ½ ass watch two movies that don’t deserve my full attention!

The Dead One is back on. I think that nun is Maria Conchita Alonzo from Predator 2 and Jacob's Ladder. Good to see her still working.

Diego sees Billy Drago in a picture with Maria. Is Drago playing an old woman? They forgot to put the dead eye contacts in Diego for that scene.  

Commercial! I’m switching back to Children of the Corn.

Did they specifically hold a casting call for ugly children? He who walks behind the rows blah, blah, blah Malachai, blah, blah…Chilly’s commercial. Switching back.

If I didn’t have laryngitis I’d scream out of boredom.

Holy shit, Billy Drago IS the old woman!

Drago lady just stabbed Diego, and like a true queen stood up and whipped his hair and skirt.

Good news, Maria’s bangs of the damned are gone. Diego has healed himself.

Commercial! 

Back to Children of the Corn.  They said something about outlanders and continue to act all weird and shit. Another commercial. There’s only 13 minutes left to The Dead One, so I’ll just tough it out. See ya completely useless and utterly unnecessary remake of Children of the Corn.

Lookout Maria, Billy Drago lady is behind you! And apparently she knows Capoera! RUN!

Diego is there! Drago lady has an ironman thing on her chest that blasts Diego into flashback land. Diego you only have 8 minutes to wreck Drago Lady so lets get to it.

He did it and with a little comedy too.

Maria’s in church and her bangs of disaster are back. She is speaking telepathically with Diego. Then a flashback to when he was alive frolicking with her in the prairie or something. Para Siempre. El Muerto.  

Para siempre la mierda.

© 2011 H.B. Walker All Rights Reserved