V/H/S: Movie Review

First off this was not the scariest movie of the year. Not even close. I would say that it was the most convoluted but I watched Detention a few days before seeing this. I do like that this was an anthology. Some of my favorites from childhood were anthologies (Creepshow, Twilight Zone: The Movie, Tales From The Darkside: The Movie etc.) This movie has 6 stories, but only 3 of them are good. Story 2 with the dude bros at the motel. story 5 with the girl and guy on video chat, and story 6 with the guys looking for the Halloween party. If stories 3, and 4 would have been edited out of this movie it would have been an improvement. 

The main story that functions as the backdrop and segway between stories is engaging enough, but the movie really gets cracking during the second story with 3 college fairly unlikeable college guys getting in over their head in a motel room. It then almost screeched to a halt with story 3, which is about the most boring couple in the world running into trouble on the road. Story 4 is only marginally better than story 3, but not by much. The movie picks back up with story 5, which has a twist ending that I didn't see coming. Then it has a strong finish with story 6 that will have you on the edge of your seat. That's about all I can say about this movie without spoiling it. If you want to read on be prepared to be spoiled.

In case you missed it - SPOILER ALERT!

The movie starts off very clockwork orange, with some hooligan's recording themselves breaking stuff. Then it is explained that some guy wants them to break into a house and steal a VHS tape. One guys says,"he saw some of your stuff online". If they are recording on VHS, I would think that this would be in the early 90's. There wasn't much video uploading going on then. How hard would it be to upload video from VHS? 

They break into the house and start looking around and we hear a low pitch sound, which we learned from Paranormal Activity means something is about to happen. They find a dead guy in a barka lounger watching 4 or 5 TVs. They leave one guy in there to watch VHS tapes I guess. He sits down with his back to the dead guy, and you just know that the dead guy is not staying in that chair. Just when the first guys get interesting....

Story 2

The movie cuts to three dude bros. I hate people like that in real life, and I think I hate them more in this movie. Do we get to see them get killed? Maybe the movie wants us to hate them, so that we don't feel bad when they get it. Is this a Canadian movie? Who says "Jesus f#¢k? They get drunk and pick up a couple of girls, and one of them isn't quite right. I mean seriously how could they not see that she wasn't what she seemed. How does one not notice the demon feet?

As expected she wasn't right, she was a murderous flying cat demon creature. While she kills one guy, the other two run into the bathroom. Why do they keep opening the bathroom door? Then one guy gets the bright idea to attack her. When you run out naked to fight a demon chick there is a good chance that you're gonna get your dick ripped off..... and your balls too. She chases the one guy through the stairwell and then eventually picks him up with her claws and flies away.

Return to Story 1

They are in the basement looking through video tapes Oh $h!t another naked dude 2!

Story 3

A couple is on a road trip. The girl records boring stuff, because she is 1/2 of the most boring couple ever. She complains that her husband, Sam didn't get a room with one bed, but got one with 2 beds. How that is problem is beyond me. Just sleep in the same bed anyway. They look around town in the most boring way possible, and stumble upon one of those fortune teller machines, like the one from big. The fortune teller told them not to do favors for a stranger. The husband tries to get randy and record his wife, but she's not having it. LMAO @ her looking at him then the camera, then him, then the camera. Her eyes looked like one of those cat clocks.

They get a knock at the door and see some creepy ass girl. I said to myself, "they better leave her creepy ass outside". The guy immediately noted how creepy the girl is. One thing is for sure, this movie makes motels look super bad. We get a low pitch tone again, and we see that someone is in the room with them. I do not know why they don't wake up, but I have 5 reasons that I would have woken up.

1.  I would be able be able to feel someone standing over me.

2.  That bright assed camera light would wake me up.

3.  I would feel the blanket being pulled off of me.

4.  I would hear the switchblade being flicked open.

5 . I would hear that squeaky assed bathroom door.

What does this girl have against them? I mean she rubbed his toothbrush in the toilet.

So they go to sleep and the guy gets his throat slashed by what turns out to be his wive's lesbian lover.

Cut back to story 1

Just like I said, the dead guy is gone.

Story 4

More annoying yuppies. "Your all gonna die up here"'doesn't have the same ring without a British child saying it. This was almost too stupid to describe, but I'll do it in one two sentences. This girl goes back to where her friends were killed so that she can catch Darth Horace Pinker (double cool points if you get the 2nd half of that reference). He kills all her new friends, kills her, pulls her intestines out and it is all very WTF.

Back to story 1

Next guy watching tapes. What happened to the other guy? Maybe the dead guy got him. Why don't they turn the lights on? The house has power, b/c they obviously can watch video tapes.

Story 5

This one starts with girl and guy video chat. Why a video chat would be on VHS, I don't know. She pulls her boobs out and they go wiggle waggle flipity flop. She feels that apartment is haunted by a little kid. Her boyfriend James says that it might be the wind, even though he could clearly see a small child run in and slam the door closed. She hears noises, so as horror movie law dictates, she has got to go check it out. She takes photos and for a split second she sees a little boy. James is pretty much useless. 

Emily digs in her arm with a scalpel to try to get to the lump in her arm. She goes to try and make contact with the little boy. So she closes her eyes and takes her MacBook to try and record the kid. It turns out that there are two, and they may or may not be aliens, and her boyfriend is in on it.

Then it turns out that he has another chick on video chat who complains of some of the same things that Emily did and then takes her boobs out and they go giggle giggle.

Back to story 1

You know what's worse than finding your friend decapitated? Having his head thrown at you by a dead guy.

Story 6

Some young guys who have bad taste in music are on their way to a Halloween party in 1998. Nobody is home, but do they leave? No. They go from room to room looking for "Justin". The house is haunted, but they think it's a joke. One dude sees a Samara like girl sitting in a chair, but does not immediately leave like I would have. He actually continues looking around with his buddies. They hear voices in the attack, so they go up there still thinking it is all a joke. When they see people go flying in the air, because arms came out of the walls and ceiling of the house and just snatches them up, they start to haul ass out of there. 

Then, one of the guys when they hear the screams of the girl, says  "We can't leave". You just know that he thinks he's saving her, when I am sure they were performing an exorcism or something on her. Very Samara indeed ("You let her go? Why did you do that?") The house starts attacking them, and where do they run? Into the basement. Oddly enough they make it out and seemly save the girl.

Then she makes their car malfunction and locks them in it on the train tracks.

The End